Say THIS, Not THAT

For some reason, given the fact that I have four small children, people feel compelled to offer me advice. A lot. And some of that advice is actually valuable. And I have even taken it into consideration and used some small portion of it. HOWEVER, it is the way that people preface their advice, sometimes, that I find rather off-putting. For example: phrases and sentences that begin with "you should" or "you need to" or "you have to."

And that got me thinking. A lot of people out there—maybe even you—probably begin some of your sentences like that, without even realizing that you are doing it. And what you might not realize about this kind of language is that it sounds kind of bossy, kind of superior, and often makes the person you are talking to feel pretty small and not very capable.

So I am here to ask you to think about what you say and consider changing it. Just slightly. Because you have great intentions when you share your experiences and your advice with others. And if you try to make these small adjustments, you might find that the reception you receive will change. For the better.

Here are just a few examples: Instead of YOU SHOULD or YOU NEED TO or YOU HAVE TO, TRY:

• Have you ever considered...
• What I found to work for me was...
• I know that some people have found success with...

When you don’t agree with someone, or you are trying to get them to see their wring-thinkingness (made up word): Instead of: YOU ARE WRONG or ARE YOU CRAZY? TRY:

• Well, that’s one way of looking at it. Another way of looking at it would be...
• I see. Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?

If you want to get a PhD in this kind of communication style, you can take it up to the next level with refraining from offering the advice at all. When you find yourself in a situation where you would normally start shelling out the free advice, TRY...

• I have some observations I would love to share if you are in a position to hear them.
• Well, if you would like some free advice, it will be worth exactly what you pay for it...

If you have any thoughts to share about this, I would LOVE to hear them. And in case you have this thought going through your head, yes, I do appreciate the irony of me giving you advice without explicitly having asked for it—but you read my blog—so you kind of brought this on yourself.

SMOOCH!