Columnist Ready To Go "Big Time" --DeWese

I'm sure that you all saw the news report that is reprinted below.

MIAMI (Jan. 2)—Popular humorist Dave Barry said Sunday's column for The Miami Herald was his last—maybe. Barry, who has written humor columns for three decades, including 22 years at the Herald, says he's holding out the possibility of a return. But for now, he says, "I want to stop before I join the horde of people who think I used to be funnier. And I want to work on some other stuff." Barry says he will write occasional pieces, weighing in "from time to time if something really important happens, such as a cow exploding in a boat toilet."

I was devastated by this news and I'm sure you were too. Dave Barry is, er, was my favorite columnist.

First, Erma Bombeck passed on in 1996. Erma was a great column writer and wrote some great stuff like: "My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car." Or "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

Yep, millions of us lost a few daily therapeutic laughs when Erma's columns stopped appearing in hundreds of newspapers.

Lewis Grizzard had enormous talent and lived life to the fullest. We lost this great columnist in 1994. His posthumous Website biography begins, "It was life that Lewis Grizzard loved. And how he did live: four wives, syndicated in 450 daily newspapers, 15 books, some of which were number one on the New York Times Best Sellers List, millions of fans, hundreds of concerts, oceans of vodka and thousands of prayers."

Lewis was published five days a week and I can tell you that coming up with my column topics just once each month is like trying to catch trout in my swimming pool.

Lewis once wrote a column on the U.S. economy. Here's a small sample of his column.

"Here's my program for making America economically sane once again:

Stop all defense spending. Don't buy any more planes, bombs, rifles, bullets, tanks, combat boots or helmets. Who do we need to defend ourselves from? There's no more Soviet Union, and Canada already has given us hockey, so why would they want to harm us any more? Savings to the taxpayers: $72 septillion.

Make all car dealers who make their own television commercials pay an annoyance-to-the-public fee of $1,000 for each commercial. Revenue increase: Who cares, if we can get the loud mouths off TV?"

So far, there's no more Barry, Bombeck or Grizzard.

Andy Rooney is one of my favorites but he's in his 80s. He got his start in 1949 writing for the Aurthur Godfrey Show. Surely, he'll hang it up sometime soon and buy a 20-wide in Florida.

Art Buchwald is a legend among column writers, but he will turn 80 in October of this year and maybe he will want to take his Pulitzer Prize and go fishin'. He once wrote, "Even if the meek did inherit the earth, someone would contest the will."

By now, you readers can see where I'm going with this. There is a void developing in this column writing business and I'm thinking that I may just be the guy to jump in this black hole.

That's what smart printers do. They see a hole in the market and they fill it before some competitors catch on and follow them. But while they are the lone occupants of the honey hole, they can make some good money before their price-cutting competitors ruin things.

I figure I can jump in this column void in a big way and get my own Pulitzer Prize. This means I will have to class up this column and start including some heavy-duty substance and some "over the top" creativity.

Whenever I need some "A-Number-One" creativity I consult my grandson Matt, who is seven going on 27. Matt was doing his homework when I interrupted him. He had printed his class conduct rules on a poster. He was about to colorfully illustrate the rules. At the beginning of the school year, Matt's teacher and the class had conceived some guiding principles that are far too elementary for a bunch of adults who sell printing, but I'm going to tell you anyway. See if any fit.

Six Things to Remember

They call their list "The Six Pillars of Character." Their motto is "Character Counts." We all knew that. The six pillars that Matt printed on the poster were Respect, Caring, Trustworthiness, Fairness, Responsibility and Citizenship.

The class then expanded on each of the pillars. Under "Respect" they decided to treat others with fairness. They added they would always use the Golden Rule. Someone proposed that they should be tolerant of differences. Another child added they should use good manners and should never use bad language. Then the class got real high and mighty and decided to be considerate of others' feelings. They vowed they would not threaten, hit or hurt anyone. Finally, they agreed to deal peacefully with anger, insults and disagreements.

Matt's second grade classmates defined the second pillar, "Caring," as being kind and compassionate to others to show that you care. They concluded that caring people forgive others and help people who are in need.

The class concluded that being "Trustworthy" required them to be honest and that meant they can't deceive, cheat or steal. Oh, these poor innocent children are so naive.

But, they went further and admonished themselves to have the courage to do the right thing and build a good reputation. Babies! Finally, they insisted that they should be loyal by standing by their families, friends and their country.

The class tackled "Fairness." It meant they should play by the rules and take turns and share. Next, these girls and boys added that they should be open-minded and listen to others.

The kids hit "Responsibility" with some blockbuster concepts like do what you are supposed to do. One child suggested they should keep on trying and not give up. Their teacher explained that was "perseverance." Someone else added that we should always do our best. After much discussion the class wanted to add self-control and the importance of thinking before acting so they could consider the consequences of their actions.

At last it was time to define "Citizenship" and the students opined that they should do their share to make their school and community better. They decided that they needed to be good neighbors and obey the laws and rules.

The children decided there should be some consequences for bad behavior and ranked the appropriate punishment beginning with a first offense. The list reads: warning, time-out, no recess, call parents and, ultimately—oh no, the child's equivalent of solitary confinement—the principal's office.

Well, nice try Matt. None of this applies to my readers. They are all sophisticated, law abidin' adults who sell printing and who own printing companies.

If I'm going to become a famous columnist and fill the void left by Bombeck, Grizzard, Barry, etc., I've got to come up with some better sources of material. I better focus on adults for my material. Children are too innocent and good. I'd better concentrate on adults.

While I'm finding some material for my March column, you better follow the Mañana Man's rule to get out there and sell something! I'd hate to send you to the principal's office.

—Harris DeWese

About the Author

Harris DeWese is the author of Now Get Out There and Sell Something, available through NAPL or PIA. He is chairman and CEO at Compass Capital Partners and is an author of the annual "Compass Report," the definitive source of information regarding printing industry M&A activity. DeWese has completed more than 100 printing company transactions and is viewed as the preeminent deal maker in the printing industry. He specializes in investment banking, mergers and acquisitions, sales, marketing, planning and management services to printing companies. He can be reached via e-mail at DeWeseH@ComCapLtd.com.