DeWese--Consulting the "Real" Experts on the Death of Printing
This column is too important to read alone in your office or in the bar where you've gone for lunch or by the pool where you're sipping a few Wacky Wackies or in that field of daisies where, in slow motion, you've gone to contemplate your navel. Please don't attempt to read this while you are driving.
This is my most important column yet and you should take it home and gather your loved ones, if you have any. They need to hear the column because it affects your future and theirs.
If you work for a printing company, an equipment manufacturer, a paper company, a supplier of consumables like ink, plates and film, or if you are a printing magazine columnist or a lender to printing companies, you are cooked. You are dead meat, sisters and brothers. You are history. I'll tell you why.
Personally, I've already got a plan for my future. I'm starting MañanaManPonzi.com. This will be a Website where unsuspecting day traders can buy stock in MañanaManPonzi.com online, using their credit cards. MañanaManPonzi.com Inc. will promise these greedy investors huge returns on their investments. But—get it?—I won't keep the promises. I'll just pocket the money!
Isn't that great? What a scheme! MañanaManPonzi.com doesn't sell a thing except its own stock. I'll even send out fancy stock certificates so, at first, the avaricious and gluttonous investors will think they've really invested in something special. And, then later on, they'll find out they've just been had by the ol' Mañana Man.
So, you can see I've taken care of my future. It's your future I'm worried about, because . . .
This is the column where I predict, with a high degree of Mañana Man certainty, the death of printing.
This death of printing thing got started while I was talking with a high and mighty Super Senior Executive Partner of a prestigious venture capital firm. He was telling me that his firm would never invest in a printing company because the Internet was going to kill printing. Well, of course, as the printing industry's prime advocate, I was steamed and told the hotshot, yuppie, BMW-drivin' jerk that he could put his money where the sun don't shine.
This little conflagration got me thinkin' and fumin'. I was still fired up when I arrived home and began to inspect my mail. It occurred to me that I get a lot of mail every day and that, voila!, it's all printed. I counted this day's catalogs and there were 17.
By the next day, I'm on a vendetta. Vendettas are kind of like being on a mission from God. The next day I received 23 catalogs and six direct mail pieces, plus four magazines and three shoppers. On the third day, I received 11 catalogs and a lot more direct mail. See, I've always loved getting this stuff because it means my printer friends are busy and my reader salespeople are selling some jobs.
After four days of counting my mail, I'm saying to myself, "The Internet is killing printing? Where did Mr. Venture Capital Idiot get his information?" Nine of the catalogs I'd received were from dotcom "e-tailing" companies. This got me to thinking even more about past history (I'm a 57-year-old guy and I've got a lot of past history to remember). I remembered that the experts had said TV would kill radio. Then I remembered that the fax machine was predicted to kill the U.S. mail system—this was back around 1977. Then I remembered that credit cards would lead to a cashless and checkless society by 1984.
In each case, the fancy futurists predicted the demise of some technology immediately. Boom, you're dead!
Hitting the Road
Well, I decided to do some research and interview some of my print sales friends about this Internet that's going to kill printing. I bought a Greyhound ticket and took off to talk to folks who are actually in the trenches every day.
I traveled first to Wentworth, SC, to see Walter Lamar Lopez-O'Brien, the only salesman for Percival Printing & Lithography on Route 12 just outside Wentworth. Walter Lamar is recently "born again," and I found him in his pickup truck, parked on the shoulder of Route 12, about three miles from the plant. Walter Lamar was busy spray-painting corrugated cardboard signs with the message "Repent to Jesus."
"Mañana Man," he declared, "I'm gonna nail one of these signs every mile from here to Charleston." When I asked him why, he revealed the reason: "A customer of mine, Gator Thomas, stiffed me for a flyer I printed for his mobile home center 'cause he spends all his money on his girlfriend in Charleston. I'm gonna make him read these signs every time he visits her."
I said, "Walter, I don't have time for this. I'm trying to find out if the Internet is gonna kill printing. What do you think?"
Walter Lamar answered, "The Devil's the one who started the Internet. Come close to me and I'll tell you what's gonna happen." And, Walter Lamar whispered his opinion to me.
Walter Lamar gave me a ride back to the bus station and I took off, bound for Hot Coffee, MS, and a little research chat with Marvelle Stump, ace salesman for Leon Loudermilk's Printing & Litho.
Barfly Wisdom
It was nearly midnight when I arrived in Hot Coffee and I knew just where to find Marvelle. I found him on his favorite stool in the TriMiCafe and Tavern.
I hustled Marvelle back to one of the private booths behind the pool table. I told him I was on a mission. I said, "Marvelle, I need to know if the Internet is going to kill printing and, if so, when?"
Marvelle told me to order a longneck and he'd be back in 30 minutes. I knew what was up. Marvelle consults Sister Devine, the local voodoo lady, for all of his prognostications. Sure enough, Marvelle came busting through the screen door in half an hour smiling like he'd won the Mississippi State Lottery. He pulled his chair close to mine and whispered his prediction.
I spent the night in Marvelle's trailer and caught the 6 a.m. bus to Gatlinburg, TN, to consult with Wanda Nadine Latrelle, ace sales-person for Mountaintop Color Lithographix. I found her in her back yard wearing a special headgear she's made from a colander and a battered Harley helmet. Wanda had been a Hell's Angel groupie until she ran her hog off the road and her head into the only pine tree in Lone Pine Swamp. Now, Wanda Nadine is a little addled—heck of a print salesperson, but still a little addled. She thinks the FBI and CIA are trying to penetrate her brain. She's been captured by aliens three times and claims the alien king wants her as his bride.
I told Wanda Nadine about my research and asked her if the FBI, the CIA or the aliens had any insight into this Internet conspiracy to kill printing. Wanda Nadine twisted some knobs on her headgear and told me she was dialing up Conspiracy Central. She smiled knowingly and leaned toward me. Wanda Nadine whispered her answer to me.
Finally, I had enough evidence; all the research I needed. Three of America's top print salespeople had given me the same answer.
Printing sales will continue to rise at 7 percent to 12 percent per year for many years. When printing dies, it will die immediately. One day cylinders will be spinning. The next day the presses will be still and you will all be out of work.
The day there will be no more printing will be Thursday, June 30, 2136. That is the day that the world population will be inoculated with the Gates Microchip serum. Every human will be a Website and be able to download instantly any document ever printed.
Wanda Nadine, ever prescient, added one small vision. She said, "Mañana Man, on July 3, 2136, a former pressman in Salem, MA, will tire of reading novels on the back of his eyelids and yearn for a touch of paper. He will break into a small print shop and print a one-page flyer. His friends will read it and ache for more and more and more.
Okay! You've got only another 136 years to work. So, just this once, do as I say. Get out there and sell something. Immediately! Before it's too late!
—Harris DeWese
About the Author
Harris DeWese is the author of Now Get Out There and Sell Something! published by Nonpareil Books. He is a principal at Compass Capital Partners and is an author of the annual "Compass Report," the definitive source of information regarding printing industry merger and acquisition activity. DeWese specializes in investment banking, mergers and acquisitions, sales, marketing, planning and management services to printing companies.
