DeWese--Try Hypnosis - Sell Like Magic!

This column is way out on the edge. It falls in the category of "experimental prose." It has not been approved for general use by any government agencies.

As a matter of fact, if you are . . .

1. pregnant;

2. suffering from high blood pressure;

3. wearing mittens to prevent thumb sucking;

4. wearing mittens to prevent scratching your eyes out; or

5. wearing a straight jacket

. . . then, you probably should excuse yourself from this column now.

Come to think of it, if you are reading this from a hospital bed, ring the nurse button now and have this magazine incinerated with the medical waste. If you recently had a stroke, triple bypass surgery or any kind of brain surgery, DO NOT READ THIS COLUMN.

If you bet the farm on the Atlanta Falcons in this past Super Bowl, you should not read this column. It could lay more waste to your mind.

If you were recently dumped by your significant other, or if you've never managed to have a significant other, you just might want to steer clear of this column.

So Much for Disclaimers
Neither me, Harris DeWese, nor the funny little man who lives in my head, the Mañana Man, is responsible for the content of this column or any physical or mental injury it may cause you. In other words, you can't sue me but, of course, you can sue old "deep pockets"—the U.S. Postal Service—for delivering the magazine.

OK! That takes care of all the disclaimers, injury waivers and "hold harmless" notices that my ace attorney, J. Marcelle Thibidault, Esquire, warned me I should make.

This column will be a first in literary history. It is the first known attempt to hypnotize a mass audience using the printed page. Your participation means that you will be able to refer to yourself as a "historical figure."

I've tried everything to make my readers great print salespeople. I don't know why hypnotism didn't occur to me sooner.

I got the idea because I've been seeing a hypnotist that I call the "fat and cigarette" doctor. He's been helping me with two teensy little problems that I have. I've been smoking longer than I've been fat, so he's treating the cigarette addiction first. My treatments have been working, so I got this great idea. Now that I've been hypnotized, I know how to hypnotize. I got the hang of it real quick. Of course, I'm unlicensed, but who's worrying about the nickel-and-dime details?

"In Trance" Suggestions
I'm going to hypnotize you readers and, while you are "in trance" (that's hypnotist talk), I'm going to instill some good selling concepts in your heads.

The first step will be easy. You need to sit back in a recliner in a quiet, semi-dark room. Most of you have recliners in your offices, so just lean back now.

Extend your right arm, make a fist and extend your thumb so it's pointing to the ceiling. Focus all your attention on your thumbnail. (If it's poorly groomed or, God forbid, dirty, go get your nails done and you can start over later.)

OK. Staring at that thumb?

Ten. You may notice your thumb moving up and down a little, and that's OK.

Nine. Your thumb may move from side to side, and that's OK.

Eight. Your arm may begin to feel a smidgen heavy, and that's OK.

Seven. You are feeling very relaxed, and you've notice that your arm is dropping almost imperceptibly.

Six. You are feeling very pleasant and more relaxed than you have in weeks.

Five. Your arm is continuing to drop, but you are fixed on your thumbnail. You know you are in good hands with the Mañana Man.

Four. Your arm is now only about six inches above the recliner armrest, and you are releasing your inner and outer being to the Mañana Man's control.

Three. You are entering the trance.

Two. Your arm comes to rest on the recliner, and your eyes close.

One. You are now in my control and have submitted your subconscious to me.

(Don't worry about anything. When you come out of the trance, you will feel more relaxed than you've ever felt, and you will be a much better salesperson. Don't worry; I will not make you do anything stupid while you are in the trance.)

Planting Psyche Seeds
Now, listen to my mellifluous mesmerizing baritone, as I plant good sales practices in your psyche.

In this first session, I am just going to deal with personal presentation. Just relax and go with the flow.

Repeat with me in a chant: "Good selling begins with good grooming. Good selling begins with good grooming."

I will take good care of my breath, and it will take care of me. I will never leave home without my Tic Tacs, Certs or Breathsavers. I will keep an extra toothbrush and tube of toothpaste in my desk. I will keep a bottle of mouthwash in my desk.

I will always check my shoulders for dandruff and other critters that may distract a customer or prospect. If I have a continuing dandruff problem, I will get some dandruff shampoo or see a dermatologist.

I will check myself for unsightly hair growing from my ears or nose. I will ask my barber or stylist how to control it.

(Do you see how easy it is to deal with these tricky, disgusting subjects while under hypnosis?)

I will bathe daily and use deodorant heavily. On the other hand, I will not douse myself in perfume or cologne. My objective is to do nothing that distracts my customer.

It's OK to do my thing, but I will hide tattoos and leave my non-ear piercings empty when making sales calls.

I will never make a sales call in unshined shoes or in four-inch spike heels. (This goes for men and women.)

I will purchase clothing that is business-like and that fits me amply and comfortably. I can continue to wear my tight-fitting clothing in the privacy of my own home.

I will always wear clean and well-pressed clothing when calling on accounts and prospects.

I will wear no clothing that is garish, revealing or referred to as "avant garde" or "haute couture."

OK. This ends our first session. When I have counted to five, you will be alert, awake and feeling extremely relaxed.

But first, you will promise yourself to always read the Mañana Man's column and follow his dictums and decrees faithfully.

Now . . . One, two, three, four, five. Get out there and sell something!

—Harris DeWese

About the Author
Harris DeWese is the author of "Now Get Out There and Sell Something!" published by Nonpareil Books. DeWese is a principal at Compass Capital Partners Ltd. DeWese specializes in investment banking, mergers and acquisitions, sales, marketing, planning and management services to printing companies. He is one of the authors of the annual "Compass Report," the definitive source of information regarding printing industry merger and acquisition activity.