Special Session for ‘Losers’ —DeWese

FAILING? FAILING!

Eleven of my readers are failing my PhD. course here at Mañana University. I have given my readers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to earn a doctorate in print communications sales. We are only in class number four in the first semester, and some of you are already failing.

Students don't have to leave their offices or homes. They can lean back in a recliner or relax on a chaise lounge, or study and sip at a cocktail lounge. You can even float in your pool and study these lessons. There is no professor standing over your shoulder poised to rap your knuckles with a heavy ruler.

So, I cannot understand why 11 of you are failing. I am annoyed. I am frustrated. I am so angry that I called the infamous 11 to come in to my conference room for a face-to-face confrontation in a counseling session.

Some of these "failures" work for the best companies in our industry. Companies that are constantly investing in better equipment, better workflows, better people and even better employee benefits. It should be a requirement that these salespeople invest some time to improve their performance.

The Results Are in: F

I recorded this special help session. The transcript appears below. All of you good students remember the test I gave you last month. It will benefit the good students to read the pathetic responses of your inadequate classmates. I am going to review some answers given by the incompetent 11.

Professor DeWese: "All of you take your seats and settle down. Monique, you must keep your hands to yourself. Do not, I repeat, do not pinch the posteriors of either of the men to your left or to your right. This is not a fun session. This is an old-fashioned punishment session. The first question was to list the bona fide sales you made that were produced and billed during the previous 30 days. Monique, I will start with you. How did you answer?"

Monique LaFlamme: "I tried real hard that month. I would have had some sales, but the plant, customer service and the accounting department messed up the three jobs I sold. They all blamed me for losing the sales, claiming that I took incorrect specs, or that I misquoted the job when I tried to bump the estimate or when I specified the wrong paper. Picky, picky, picky. If those sales had gone through, they would have totaled about $2,750, which is about 5 percent of my monthly draw quota. So, thanks to my incompetent co-workers, I am $225,000 under my quota and the three customers won't take my phone calls."

Professor DeWese: "Monique, remove your arm from Gerald's shoulder and stop massaging his neck! That is one of the worst answers I have ever heard. Many failing salespeople blame everyone but themselves. Some even blame the customers. At least you didn't blame them."

Monique LaFlamme: "As a matter of fact, my lousy customers show me no loyalty. I am forever having to call them to beg for an order. Back when I was an entertainer, my clients were there every night with fistfuls of dollar bills."

Professor DeWese: "Next question. List the face-to-face sales calls you made during the previous 30 days. Break them down into categories by existing clients and prospective customers. Gerald, if you can concentrate, please give us your answer."

Gerald Donally: "Professor DeWese, you are an idiot. I didn't list any calls. We are in a recession. According to the TV, nobody has any money. Why should I waste my time trying to make sales calls? I'm getting a good paycheck. I'm gonna rest up and save my energy for when the economy is good again."

Professor DeWese: "Thank you, Gerald. You can go back to reading your comic book. The next question was to list the names of the prospective accounts that you researched and contacted during the previous 30 days. Marvelle, why don't you take this one."

Marvelle Stump: "I researched my best prospect here in Hot Coffee, Mississippi. It is Loudermilk Used Cars out on Highway 41. First, I bought a 2001 pickup to get acquainted and to break the ice. Just as I was gettin' started with my research, the bank come over and repossessed all of Mr. Loudermilk's inventory. So, I got to start all over again. I'm gonna research the Baptist Church and see if I can't print its Sunday church bulletins. That's an every week job."

Academic Probation

Professor DeWese: "Marvelle, that's the best answer so far. But, you should have researched 25 to 30 prospects, not only in Hot Coffee. Jump out there and think about finding some customers in Jackson. The next question asked you to list the account review meetings you conducted with clients and the appropriate personnel from your company. Could I have a volunteer to read your list?"

Marvelle Stump: "No, but..."

Professor DeWese: "Ok, Marvelle. Do you want to answer another question? No? I see. You just want to go to the restroom. You are excused. As to the rest of you, I'm not going to ask for your answers since none of you conducted any account review meetings. Next question. Can you legitimately say you solved a problem for any client during the past 30 days? Thornton, what problem did you solve?"

Thornton Thomas: "I jumped the battery of the print buyer at Citibank. She was stranded out in the parking lot with a dead battery, and she was grateful. She even promised to see me sometime."

Professor DeWese: "Way to go, Thornton. It would help if you could pin down the appointment a little more specifically, but you did solve a problem. The final question was an essay question. I asked each of you to write three paragraphs about your three most significant accomplishments during the past 30 days. Looking over your papers, I see that none of you listed any accomplishments relating to print sales. Thornton, you did bowl a 147. Monique, you did show up at the plant 14 days, and you did get a gig on Friday and Saturday night at the VFW Hall.

"None of you are taking this course or your jobs seriously. I don't understand why your companies ever hired you. You need to work 10 hours each day and spend another three hours studying to become better salespeople.

"Now, for the next class I want everyone to write the definition of the following terms: Company Orientation (Loyalty); Presentation Skills; Product Knowledge; Industry Orientation (Pride and Loyalty to the Printing Industry); Research Skills; Marketing Know-how; Sales Planning; Financial Fundamentals; Sales Psychology; and Questioning Techniques.

"I'm putting you all on probation. You have one month to get out there and sell something!" PI

—Harris DeWese

About the Author
Harris DeWese is the author of "Now Get Out There and Sell Something" and "The Mañana Man, Books II and III," available at www.piworld.com/bookstore. He is chairman of Compass Capital Partners and also authors the annual "Compass Report." DeWese has completed more than 150 printing company transactions and is viewed as the industry's preeminent deal maker. He can be reached via e-mail at HDeWese@CompassCapLtd.com.