The 'Normal' Kidnapper -- DeWese

Thinking is hard for me. It tires my brain and then I have to take a nap.

I got to thinking the other day about how important it is to be "normal." I had just finished a phone conversation with a good pal who is president of a $100 million-plus printing company. My buddy is very "normal." I'm talkin' head-screwed-on-straight rational, without any peccadilloes. There's nary an eccentric bone in his body.

Conversations with this guy are fun and refreshing because he's "normal" and, of course, I am "normal."

All this thinking about being "normal" prompted me to do some high-level, in-depth research and here's what I found:

Looking at the Numbers

The U.S. population is 288,369,698. You have to back out all the infants and toddlers whose personalities are not fully formed and are definitely "abnormal." Next you have to eliminate the kids going through that weird puberty thing and all the teenagers. None of these people are "normal." Okay, according to the Census Bureau, that leaves 215,475,215 people who are potentially "normal."

Now, you have to eliminate all the eccentrics. There are 115,464,303 folks with various neuroses and compulsive behavior.

Take out all the egomaniacs. There are a bunch of these egocentric, self-focused jerks. In fact, the total is 56,789,212 and now we're down to only 43,221,700 potentially "normal" people.

But wait! I'm not finished.

You have to subtract the criminals on the lam, the criminals who are incarcerated, the criminally insane and all the terrorists who may be wandering around and perhaps even living in your own neighborhood. Deduct another 15,212,702.

Did I say "ne'er do wells"? No I didn't. They number 17,454,234. And what about the deadbeats? I had to take them out and we're down to 6,554,754 people who are maybe "normal."

But, I haven't subtracted the people addicted to various substances including booze. Now, I'm down to 573,169 and I still haven't subtracted all the TV "personalities," Hollywood stars, Hollywood-type hangers-on groupies and all the politicians. Now, we only have 313,923 U.S. citizens who may be "normal."

I simply must eliminate all professional athletes, especially NFL players who celebrate their accomplishments no matter how minor and even when their team is losing. I'm going to start celebrating my minor accomplishments (most of mine are trifling). Say for example, I show up for a meeting on time. I'll conceive a dance where I spike my attaché on the conference table and do about 10 seconds of the "funky chicken." Cutting out the celebrating athletes leaves us with only 310,865 people who are potentially "normal."

Don't worry. I didn't forget the two most important categories—all the price-focused print buyers. Finally, I have to eliminate the price-cutting printers.

And, there you have it.

There are only 271 "normal" people in this great land of ours.

Only 271 sane, rational people in my elite corps. Thank God, I am among them. Incidentally, I am the digit "one" that appears immediately after the digit "seven" in 271.

Eliminating Competition

Lord knows in the past I've tried to do something about the print buyers who only buy based on price. I've taken a bunch of them hostage twice and that didn't work. I think I have discovered my mistake. I should have taken all the price-cutting printers hostage.

Okay, so I'm doin' it.

I'm going to capture and take hostage all of those price-slashing jerks who are ruining our industry. See the logic? The Mañana Man is "normal" so that means I'm rational. Get it? If I take out the price-cutting printers, the rest of you can get profitable pricing and everything will be okay.

Here's what I've done so far. On November 11, 2003, I captured Leo Pappappadago, owner of The Greek Guy's Offset Printing in Tarpon Springs, FL. Leo has been killing the Tampa Bay market by leaving the paper cost out of all estimates. This has consistently enabled Leo to undercut competitors' prices by 40 percent. Leo has not made the payments on his presses to Massive Capital Corp. for the past 23 months. Massive is already awash in repossessed equipment and is hoping that Leo will make a payment sometime soon so they won't have to write off a big loss when they ship his equipment to China.

Next I captured John J. O'Brien, of Shamrock Litho in Waukegan, IL. "J.J." as he is affectionately known, discounts his budgeted hourly rates by 35 percent to make certain he keeps the presses running and the cash flowing. J.J. likes to say, "Cash is King!" His bank, however, has put Shamrock in workout and whines, "Gee, it takes a long time to kill a printing company."

Once I got J.J. and Leo stashed in a Quonset Hut located in an abandoned Army base in a secret location, I got a tip to go after Paulie D'Competito, of Marinara Graphics of Queens, NY. Paulie has been wrecking the New York market by undercutting other printers by 20 to 25 percent. Paulie has been heard to say, "Hey, whaddayousewantfrom me, volume is my middle name. I've got Paulie locked up with Leo and J.J., and I'm starting to feel good about my mission.

Hitting the Links

Next, I traveled to Baltimore and tracked down J. Anderson Sloan, the owner of Wasp Printing. I found Anderson, who is known as "Chipper" at his golf club at the 19th hole following his daily round of golf. Chipper shows up at the office every morning long enough to leave a check from his trust fund to cover yesterday's losses.

Wasp Printing leads the nation in the secret and unpublished PIA Ratio study titled, "Under-performing and Unprofitable Printers." Wasp has lost 25 percent-plus for each of the past seven years. Chipper explains, "Daddy always kept all of our employees working. He never did a layoff. By keeping our prices low, I can match my Dad's record."

I now have four imprisoned in the Quonset Hut. They argue a lot over whether they should play poker, bridge or shoot craps. You can guess who wants to play bridge.

What I'm willing to do for this industry knows no bounds. Gee whiz, I'm such a good guy and I'm also so brutally "normal." Please, don't send me any thank you notes. But you can send me the names of more potential hostages. I'll get them. This is my job!

I've got a lot more to do. There are hundreds of price cutters yet to be captured. While I work for you, you better get out there and sell something!

—Harris DeWese

About the Author

Harris DeWese is the author of Now Get Out There and Sell Something!, published by Nonpareil Books. He is a principal at Compass Capital Partners and is an author of the annual "Compass Report," the definitive source of information regarding printing industry M&A activity. DeWese specializes in investment banking, mergers and acquisitions, sales, marketing, planning and management services to printing companies. He can be reached via e-mail at hmdewese@aol.com.